I came across a friend’s Instagram story last week which featured a former best friend of mine. I hadn’t thought about that person in some time, but it made me think back on the deterioration of our friendship in 2017.

Our friendship began 12 years prior during my first year of college, her third. We were thick as thieves on the school’s dance company. We had our inside jokes, McDonald’s runs, sleep overs, movie/dinner dates, “second families”, travel, shenanigans, funny photos, and just complete BFF-ness. While we shared the love of dance, after a few years post-college, we both found our personal passions and hobbies. She had education and I had my part-time work and modeling, but we both supported each other.

Now, it is important to note that I was very unlucky in love for much of our friendship while she had the same long-term boyfriend > fiancé > husband. For years I was the third wheel, but I didn’t begrudge it and was there beside her every step of the way. I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding and I always envisioned she would be one in mine, down the road.

If I had only known that it was a road to nowhere.

I also want to add that while I have always been outspokenly pro-Black, my evolution into a bold and confident activist and racial equity advocate happened over time and through much education and experience. Some of those learning experiences have been through acquaintances and/or friendships with white women. Going to predominantly white schools and living in primarily white cities most of my life made that unavoidable, but over the years I have noticed that many of them wanted something from me or saw something in me that they wanted to use or co-opt.

• Dependability and consistency in that I do what I say I will
• Validation for their “allyship” or “wokeness”
• A designated driver for the winos, etc.

When I look back, I can see how often I was tokenized and that is why you don’t see any of those friendships today, but back to the matter at hand. I think my first sign of impending doom was when said former friend had a couple of endeavors that flatlined so she decided to latch onto mine, which had been going strong for a few years. I was curious, but not too concerned until I became less of a friend and more of a conduit to modeling people and opportunities for her. It didn’t help that I was in the process of distancing myself from some of those same people for maintaining space for blatant racists who had verbally attacked and berated me in the past. But even after expressing to her that I was distancing myself, she wanted to dive in headfirst, with or without me.

Outside of that, I was in a healthy, long-term relationship with my now husband and, for months, she made no effort to get to know him and barely asked me how things were going. For as much as I loved this man and was buzzing with excitement, that was, honestly, the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. Looking back, it was as if she fed on my pain and brokenness from failed relationships past and the beacon of hope her (and only her) relationship proved to be, but the moment hers was no longer the only one shining, she wanted nothing to do with it. Concurrently, she was rain-checking plans with me but I noticed that she was hanging out with 2-3 white women she befriended. I finally had enough and called her out. I received the anticipated, “oh, no! I’m so sorry! I value your friendship…” hubbub, but that was ultimately the last conversation we ever had.

Closure is a funny thing because it never looks or sounds the exact way you want, but it often comes in the form that is most likely best for you in that moment. Even though it hurt, I chose myself over a decade-long friendship when it proved to have run its course. I also let her know, in not so many words but in my best Oliver Queen voice, that she had failed this friendship. Most people don’t know what happened or maybe they’ve heard a version from her, but it doesn’t matter because life really is just a series of seasons where you take in the good, learn from the bad, and put it all into becoming the best version of yourself.

And this isn’t even my final form. 😉